Me: What is Scarlet Johanson’s power again?
Her: Getting people to tell the truth.
Me: How does she do that?.
Her: I dunno. She’s Russian and sneaky. She has a troubled past.
Me: Okay, so the Tesseract is a cube of energy. Why does Loki want it?
Her: Dunno. To rule over people. The better question is, if that has more energy than a nucleur weapon, wouldn’t they be killed when it’s shot at them?
Me: No, no one can be killed in this movie.
Her: It’s weird because Loki wants chaos but he also wants everyone to bow down to him. Doesn’t that seem like a contradiction to you? Who cares if they bow down to him. Why would he care about that.
Me: Because he’s jealous of Thor. He has daddy issues.
Her: But the dad isn’t even in this movie.
Me: What’s the point of Loki and Thor fighting if they are both immortal? I would guess physical fighting wouldn’t even be useful as an expression in a world where no one can die. It seems kind of silly and pointless to be fighting.
Her: Yeah. Don’t you wonder what it would be like if the video panel of rich white guys were all women?
Me: Now that would be interesting.
Her: Have you ever seen Zardoz?
Her: It’s this movie from 1970? Starring Sean Connery. He is a lowly warrior in a world run by women in the future. They use hand signals to communicate and masculinity is forbidden. It’s awwwwwesome. Awesomely bad. But at least it raises some interesting questions about alternate societies.
Me: I wish we were watching that.
Her: Okay so let’s list the guys who basically can’t be killed in this.
Me: The Hulk.
Her: Iron Man.
Me: No, he can be killed I think.
Her: When he’s not killing us with his quips!
Her: Doesn’t it seem like Scarlett Johannson and the arrow guy are a little out of their league on this team?
Me: It doesn’t seem like Thor would be a good guy.
Her: Yeah, why should he care about earth. He’s immortal.
Me: Because his girlfriend lives here.
Her: I guess.
Me: What is Captain America’s power? Jumping? Shield throwing?
Her: His power is the American spirit of World War II.
Me: I think military sacrifice is his power. Follow orders, otherwise the world will be taken over by turtle men.
Her: But doesn’t LOKI want everyone to follow orders? Isn’t that precisely his point – that humans are happier when they are being ordered by a ruling force?
Me: Let’s not overthink it.
Her: Doesn’t it seem like Loki is gay?
Me: This would be much more interesting if Captain America and Loki teamed up.
Her: and were lovers.
Me: Lovers torn apart by intergalactic war.
Her: So much better.
Me: A gay storyline would really punch this up.
Her: I bet the Black Widow is a lez.
Me: She could hook up with the hot chick who is Samuel L. Jackson’s useless assistant.
Her: I think she’s too busy being personality-less.
Me: Another battle scene.
Her: I wonder who will winnnnnn. [gets up to go to bathroom] You don’t have to pause it.
Her: Okay so wait. First the hulk was totally uncontrollable.
Her: Like that was the big concern with “unleashing” him.
But then halfway through he is on their side and fighting for them and following orders.
Me: yeah, now he’s fighting with them.
Her: But –
Me: Shhhh. He’s smashing things.
Her: What is the arrow guy’s motivation?
Me: He seems brood-y.
Her: His eyes were infected.
Me: Yeah, because Loki took over his “heart” with his thermonuclear energy stick.
Her: But now that Scarlett Johansson punched him, the spell is broken.
Me: Makes sense.
Me: So Iron Man is with Gwenyth, Thor is with Natalie Portman, Who’s Captain America with?
Me: Who is the Hulk with?
Her: No one. He probably killed her in the first half of the movie when he couldn’t control himself.
Me: Too bad she didn’t show up in the second part, when he is a lovable team player.
Her: So the whole story is really about Robert Downey Jr. becoming less selfish and becoming more like Captain America?
Me: No, the whole story is about how making nuclear weapons is okay because we might get attacked by space turtles.
Her: Man if I were a nuclear physicist, these exchanges between IronMan and Bruce Banner would be pretty funny.
Me: Drink everytime someone says “thermonuclear axis”
Me: This whole movie reminds me of a penis.
Her: Hammer, Stark Tower, Nuclear Staff of Power, Missile. “Uncontrollable” growing man. Yes.
Me: But you know, I think the Tesserect is kind of like a vagina.
Her: Good point. A glowing box of power.
Me: Mmhmm. It creates a powerful gash in the sky that unleashes chaos into the world.
Her: Until RocketMan stuffs a powerful nuclear missile into it.
Her: That is quite a rocket suit.
Me: You can tell it’s banged up because it looks banged up now.
Her: But it still works!
Me: Amazing that even with superhuman heros and intergalactic war for no reason, there is still a board of old white men with NO powers making the decisions.
Her: Yeah, Wouldn’t the Avengers be the board at this point?
Me: No, because they are rebels.
Her: Not Captain America.
Me: I don’t feel like I know any of these characters.
Her: Other than Ironman – he’s witty and irreverent.
Me: They should have just made Paradise Lost.
Her: They should put the superheroes in Paradise Lost.
Me: Also, where are the other gods?
Her: What are the motivations of the turtle people?
Me: Is Gwenyth Paltrow a scientist or a hooker?