George and Bess

Dedicated to Nancy

Computer Mom

Who removed this device? How many times do I have to tell you to properly put things away!?

Hey hon, did you get a chance to look through those updates? Whenever you have a sec I left them out on the table for you….

You want to run WHAT? Not with all the unsafe scripts around here – no way, Jose.

I wanted to give you one of my old networks, but now I can’t find it…it was right here…..just give me a sec….oh, shoot.

How should I know where your favorite website is? Do I look like the Queen of Google?

If you’re going to attach something that large, you’re going to sit here until it loads. ALL of it.

Don’t push it, missy. You think I’m angry now, you don’t want to see it when I pinwheel.

I’m having trouble recovering the windows. Tell your father to get his ass down here and help me.

Do I look like I’m made of RAM?  We can’t all be running around like teenagers with our data in the cloud like your Aunt.

Good lord it’s hot in here. I’m turning on the fan.

I once met a pretty lady at the gym who did not recognize me and who was saying to me, “Susan Miller says I can’t get a haircut now, so I have to deal with all these split ends.” Horrified, I quickly told her I was Susan Miller, and by all means she should have that trim. She looked at me very suspiciously and said, “Sure, you are Susan Miller. Right. And I am the Easter Bunny. Do you think I believe you? Do I look like a moron?” I had to show her my ID and business card to get her to feel good enough about going to the salon! I never meant to convey you could not do nice, normal grooming!

Thank god Susan Miller clarified.

Boris

I went in to get my shoes fixed by Boris. They were made of leather and had vestigial zippers on the sides and I had bought them for $300 at a store on Smith street. I immediately began worrying when I brought them home I realized they were too big and I thought fuck wrong choice but then I started wearing them with certain kinds of pants and they were fine and cool, even. I got lots of compliments and I felt how you feel when you are ahead in a board game – a little cocky I guess. I could slip them on because they were a tad too big but that made them even better because I thought it made my legs look skinny with pointy spade shapes on the end. I began to love the shoes and wore them more often and consequently got stuck in the rain a few times with them. During and after these downpours I didn’t have any leather oil to use on the shoes, which is a problem I have had with “care of things” in general – the leather oils of life escape me often. When the lining on my right shoe began to rip and detach itself from the sole I took them to Boris who proceeded to violently tear the rest of the sole from the leather bootie while I stood in his cramped little shop with shoelaces and shoehorns and other people’s shoes in various stages of repair all around me. Boris held one of the shoes that now looked like a sad half-peeled banana and said: bad quality. How much you pay for these? I was embarrassed to tell him how expensive the shoes were so I ignored his question which seemed like more of a rhetorical one anyway and said can you fix them? And he paused for a long time before he looked at me and said it would be lots of work and he traced the stitching or what was left of it and tapped at the heels and so on and so forth to the point where I was wondering if it would be almost as much to fix the shoes at it had been to buy them. But then I said how much and he said 45 dollars and I said oh haha sure.

Two Lesbians Watch The Avengers Without Having Watched Any of the Individual Super Hero Movies

Me: What is Scarlet Johanson’s power again?

Her: Getting people to tell the truth.

Me: How does she do that?.

Her: I dunno. She’s Russian and sneaky. She has a troubled past.

Me: Okay, so the Tesseract is a cube of energy. Why does Loki want it?

Her: Dunno. To rule over people. The better question is, if that has more energy than a nucleur weapon, wouldn’t they be killed when it’s shot at them?

Me: No, no one can be killed in this movie.

Her: It’s weird because Loki wants chaos but he also wants everyone to bow down to him. Doesn’t that seem like a contradiction to you? Who cares if they bow down to him. Why would he care about that.

Me: Because he’s jealous of Thor. He has daddy issues.

Her: But the dad isn’t even in this movie.

Me: Exactly.

Me: What’s the point of Loki and Thor fighting if they are both immortal? I would guess physical fighting wouldn’t even be useful as an expression in a world where no one can die. It seems kind of silly and pointless to be fighting.

Her: Yeah. Don’t you wonder what it would be like if the video panel of rich white guys were all women?

Me: Now that would be interesting.

Her: Have you ever seen Zardoz?

Me: No.

Her: It’s  this movie from 1970? Starring Sean Connery. He is a lowly warrior in a world run by women in the future. They use hand signals to communicate and masculinity is forbidden. It’s awwwwwesome. Awesomely bad. But at least it raises some interesting questions about alternate societies.

Me: I wish we were watching that.

Her: Okay so let’s list the guys who basically can’t be killed in this.

Me: Thor.

Her: Loki.

Me: The Hulk.

Her: Iron Man.

Me: No, he can be killed I think.

Her: When he’s not killing us with his quips!

Her: Doesn’t it seem like Scarlett Johannson and the arrow guy are a little out of their league on this team?

Me: It doesn’t seem like Thor would be a good guy.

Her: Yeah, why should he care about earth. He’s immortal.

Me: Because his girlfriend lives here.

Her: I guess.

Me: What is Captain America’s power? Jumping? Shield throwing?

Her: His power is the American spirit of World War II.

Me: I think military sacrifice is his power. Follow orders, otherwise the world will be taken over by turtle men.

Her: But doesn’t LOKI want everyone to follow orders? Isn’t that precisely his point – that humans are happier when they are being ordered by a ruling force?

Me: Let’s not overthink it.

Her: Doesn’t it seem like Loki is gay?

Me: This would be much more interesting if Captain America and Loki teamed up.

Her: and were lovers.

Me: Lovers torn apart by intergalactic war.

Her: So much better.

Me: A gay storyline would really punch this up.

Her: I bet the Black Widow is a lez.

Me: She could hook up with the hot chick who is Samuel L. Jackson’s useless assistant.

Her: I think she’s too busy being personality-less.

Me: Another battle scene.

Her: I wonder who will winnnnnn. [gets up to go to bathroom] You don’t have to pause it.

Her: Okay so wait. First the hulk was totally uncontrollable.

Me: yeah.

Her: Like that was the big concern with “unleashing” him.

But then halfway through he is on their side and fighting for them and following orders.

Me: yeah, now he’s fighting with them.

Her: But –

Me: Shhhh. He’s smashing things.

Her: What is the arrow guy’s motivation?

Me: He seems brood-y.

Her: His eyes were infected.

Me: Yeah, because Loki took over his “heart” with his thermonuclear energy stick.

Her: But now that Scarlett Johansson punched him, the spell is broken.

Me: Makes sense.

Me: So Iron Man is with Gwenyth, Thor is with Natalie Portman, Who’s Captain America with?

Her: America.

Me: Who is the Hulk with?

Her: No one. He probably killed her in the first half of the movie when he couldn’t control himself.

Me: Too bad she didn’t show up in the second part, when he is a lovable team player.

Her: Yeah.

Her: So the whole story is really about Robert Downey Jr. becoming less selfish and becoming more like Captain America?

Me: No, the whole story is about how making nuclear weapons is okay because we might get attacked by space turtles.

Her: Man if I were a nuclear physicist, these exchanges between IronMan and Bruce Banner would be pretty funny.

Me: Drink everytime someone says “thermonuclear axis”

Me: This whole movie reminds me of a penis.

Her: Hammer, Stark Tower, Nuclear Staff of Power, Missile. “Uncontrollable” growing man. Yes.

Me: But you know, I think the Tesserect is kind of like a vagina.

Her: Good point. A glowing box of power.

Me: Mmhmm. It creates a powerful gash in the sky that unleashes chaos into the world.

Her: Until RocketMan stuffs a powerful nuclear missile into it.

Her: That is quite a rocket suit.

Me: You can tell it’s banged up because it looks banged up now.

Her: But it still works!

Me: Amazing that even with superhuman heros and intergalactic war for no reason, there is still a board of old white men with NO powers making the decisions.

Her: Yeah, Wouldn’t the Avengers be the board at this point?

Me: No, because they are rebels.

Her: Not Captain America.

Me: I don’t feel like I know any of these characters.

Her: Other than Ironman – he’s witty and irreverent.

Me: They should have just made Paradise Lost.

Her: They should put the superheroes in Paradise Lost.

Me: Also, where are the other gods?

Her: What are the motivations of the turtle people?

Me: Is Gwenyth Paltrow a scientist or a hooker?

believermag:

In this month’s Sedaratives, filmmaker Lena Dunham answers your burning questions about glitter, Snickers, and lesbians.
Here she delves into her complicated relationship with the name Lance:
Dear Sedaratives, I find that I don’t use the letter q a whole lot. Is there something wrong with my vocabulary? Lance L.
Dear Lance, I have a friend named Lance and recently saw a great masseuse named Lance, but I still can’t get over my weird, complicated feelings about the name Lance. There’s nothing wrong with your vocabulary, Lance, but your name… It’s so “slick,” as my grandma would say. I don’t believe you have tender feelings. You’re just a caddish high-school athlete who can feign emotion only if it means you’ll get sex, right? Be well! Lena
For more of Lena’s advice, pick up a copy of our Film Issue!—Karolina Waclawiak

believermag:

In this month’s Sedaratives, filmmaker Lena Dunham answers your burning questions about glitter, Snickers, and lesbians.

Here she delves into her complicated relationship with the name Lance:


Dear Sedaratives,
I find that I don’t use the letter q a whole lot. Is there something wrong with my vocabulary?
Lance L.

Dear Lance,
I have a friend named Lance and recently saw a great masseuse named Lance, but I still can’t get over my weird, complicated feelings about the name Lance. There’s nothing wrong with your vocabulary, Lance, but your name… It’s so “slick,” as my grandma would say. I don’t believe you have tender feelings. You’re just a caddish high-school athlete who can feign emotion only if it means you’ll get sex, right?
Be well!
Lena

For more of Lena’s advice, pick up a copy of our Film Issue!

Karolina Waclawiak

(Source: believermag)

Did you know you can virtually try on TOMS eyewear on their website?

Did you know you can virtually try on TOMS eyewear on their website?

"Giant Tornados Spotted on the Sun"

The headline I saw while watching closed captioned CNN while waiting for my lunch. It was a teaser for the story, which was accompanied by an extremely terrifying satellite photo showing said giant tornado on the surface of the sun. I do not know the implications of the giant tornadoes on the sun because I got my lunch before they came back from commercial break.

The world is truly ending.

The world is truly ending.